Behind the door | Polyamorous, but not “depraved”

Élise* is open-minded, polyamorous in theory, but not much in practice. Because she is like that. Interview.

“It’s not that we can do everything we have to do everything,” summarizes the thirty-year-old without a cell phone (but that’s another topic!), after a good hour and a half of confidences, in a story as confusing as it is impudent, not always chronological , although strangely didactic.

The young woman gave us an appointment in a pretty cafe in Villeray, relatively crowded on this small Monday morning in June. And rarely, in journalistic memory, have we met someone so uninhibited. With a captivating naturalness at times, Élise trusts herself with total transparency, without being disturbed in any way by the proximity of other clients: libido, trip three, even her female ejaculations, anything goes. No filters or whispers. “We have a prostate! She even laughs.

Where does this opening come from? No idea. “I have nothing to lose,” she replies simply. I don’t feel like I’m losing anything because of what people know about me. »

His first time? “I think she was 18,” she replies, thinking. Finally, if for the first time we refer to: first relationship with vaginal penetration”, she clarifies. And no, it wasn’t “nice”. Even quite painful. “But it got better with time. »

The relationship with this first known lover online (“and all my friends, that was it: Internet dating”) lasted three years. To relax and get through the pain, Élise stimulates herself at the same time, she recalls. “And I kept that habit. All time… ”

Then, in her early twenties, after a few “explorations”, “hugs”, but never again (“I’ve never been in a full relationship with people I wasn’t officially in a relationship with”), she meets a new lover , a boy with physical disabilities, in a wheelchair, with whom he falls deeply in love. “I had a crush! The story lasts two years.

To the bed ? “We adapt! she laughs. “We couldn’t have gotten up, let’s say. She does not expand on the subject. This is because it is above all the gaze of others that she remembers. “It was really unpleasant. So we didn’t go out often…”

When the story ends, at the age of twenty-five, Élise is “devastated”. She “she was screaming the whole time. She was obsessed with the idea of ​​going back to him. »

And then a twist. Just a few months later, Élise meets her current “life partner”. It was 10 years ago.

He still hasn’t said a word about his famous polyamorous side, but we’re guessing he’s finally getting it. “My boyfriend knew I had that in my lifetime,” he slips her suddenly here. Oh ok ? It’s because he didn’t tell us everything.

Allow me to digress: in fact, in the early twenties, in her exploratory phase, Élise was in an open relationship with a guy. A “sensual sexual” relationship, without penetration (because Élise does not go “all the way” if she is not in a relationship, as we have said), nothing genital really, but no less intimate for that. The boy in question was in a relationship, therefore (his girlfriend of his “ben chill” was pregnant at the time, they are still together, three children later), and the exploration of him was more “ideological” than practical, we understand . Kisses and hugs included. “I have read a lot about relational hierarchy, the compression (opposite of jealousy) […] And in the polyamorous structure I was part of a polycule “, she explains. End of parentheses.

However, her current spouse (her husband and also the father of her children) was aware of this past experience.

Example ? “For me, having an emotion for another person does not mean the end of the relationship. »

And where does this opening come from? “I don’t know,” the young woman said, shrugging. I don’t like binary and chopped things. It’s always been obvious in my head that it’s not just about serial monogamy. »

So it was that one day, a few months before her wedding, she “lent” her lover to a friend. She tells the adventure while she laughs. “They wanted me to stay in the room,” she said, smiling. Yeah, it was really a bit weird. But no, she didn’t feel jealous. “Zero,” she insists. “And I am happy to see that I carry within me the compression. I’d rather this friend go to a sure thing than go to any other guy. »

We’ll spare you the details, but her husband ended up having a relationship with the girl in question for a few months. They also did a trip three with Elise. Results ? We really won’t know. “Funny,” she says simply. On her part, our interlocutor has experienced something with a lifelong friend. “We had a romantic relationship, she says, but I don’t think I ever kissed him. I really don’t like kissing! »

All this ended when, in recent years, Élise became pregnant. Twice instead of once. Also, no, she hasn’t seen her libido drop with her pregnancies. On the contrary. ” I do not. ”

We see that through all these stories, the young woman ultimately told us very little about her intimacy with her husband. ” It’s going well ! Very, very good”, she replies, examples of female ejaculation in support. “Physically I feel more and more things, and so does he! »

It is true that, with her young children, spontaneity took a little advantage. And neither is she very sure she wants to revive polyamory. “My enthusiasm tempers quickly,” she notes. Even if I have a vacancy, I probably won’t go back there. »

Come to think of it, Élise finally sees herself as a “relational anarchist”: “I could do well too,” she says, explaining these different concepts to us with a clear concern for clarity. “We adapt to what is available according to the needs of each one. And it fluctuates over time. »

Moral ? Yes, she’s open-minded, “but you don’t have to explore everything,” she insists. “You don’t cut it with a knife: Monogamists have long and wise relationships. And the others are very depraved! »

*Fictitious name, to protect his anonymity.